Relationships Take Work: The Right Kind Versus the Wrong Kind

We’ve all heard the saying, “relationships take work,” but let’s be real—what does that even mean? In healthy relationships, you need to put in the effort to build trust, communicate well, and nurture emotional intimacy. But there’s a big difference between the right kind of work and the exhausting, toxic patterns described in books like The Narcissist’s Playbook by Dana Morningstar.

Let’s talk about what healthy relationship work really looks like—and how to spot the kind of work that feels like you’re pouring all your energy into a bottomless pit.

The Right Kind of Work: Building a Strong, Healthy Relationship

When we say relationships take work, we’re talking about the kind of effort that keeps a relationship loving, respectful, and mutual. It’s not about pushing a boulder uphill—it’s about the energy that creates growth and connection.

1. Emotional Vulnerability and Openness

Healthy relationships need space for real emotional expression. This means being open about your feelings, fears, and needs—no walls, no masks. The “work” here is creating a safe place where both people can be vulnerable and really seen. When you share your emotions honestly and respond with empathy, you build trust and deepen your connection.

2. Active Communication

Good communication doesn’t just happen—it takes ongoing effort. The right kind of work means listening actively (not just waiting to talk), asking questions, and avoiding assumptions. This type of work keeps conflicts from festering and helps both partners feel heard, not ignored.

3. Mutual Growth

In a healthy relationship, both people are encouraged to grow—individually and as a team. Supporting each other’s dreams, being open to compromise, and cheering on personal development are key. The work here is finding ways to evolve together without one person feeling held back or outgrown.

4. Repairing and Rebuilding

Conflict happens. What matters is how you repair after a disagreement. The work here involves giving real apologies, making amends, and recommitting to understanding and respecting each other. It’s not about avoiding conflict, but handling it in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than chipping away at it.

Unhealthy Patterns That Could Use Some Extra Help

Sometimes, a relationship struggles with unhealthy patterns that can benefit from extra help. These are the kinds of issues where couples counseling can make a huge difference. If you recognize any of these patterns, it may be time to reach out for support:

1. Communication Issues

If you and your partner constantly misunderstand each other or if conversations often escalate into arguments, this is a sign that your communication needs attention. Couples counseling can help both partners develop better tools for listening and speaking to each other in a way that fosters understanding.

2. Emotional Disconnect

Feeling emotionally distant from your partner? This is common when life gets busy, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. Counseling can help you reconnect emotionally, rediscover intimacy, and find ways to carve out meaningful time together.

3. Unresolved Conflict

If conflicts from the past keep resurfacing and never seem to get resolved, this can wear down a relationship. Couples counseling offers a neutral space where both partners can talk through these lingering issues and work toward resolution.

4. Life Transitions

Big changes—whether it’s a new job, moving, or starting a family—can shake up the dynamics of a relationship. Counseling can help couples navigate these transitions together rather than growing apart during times of stress.

5. Loss of Quality Time

If you feel like the spark is fading or you’re spending less time together than you’d like, this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is in trouble. However, it could be a sign that you need to prioritize your relationship again. Counseling can help you reconnect and make sure both partners’ needs are being met.

The Wrong Kind of Work: Toxic Relationship Patterns

Not all relationship “work” is healthy. Toxic relationship dynamics leave one partner feeling exhausted, manipulated, or unheard. As outlined in The Narcissist’s Playbook by Dana Morningstar, these red flags often indicate deeper issues that can’t be solved by couples counseling alone because they require both partners to genuinely want to change themselves.

1. Walking on Eggshells

If you constantly feel like you have to censor your thoughts and feelings to avoid upsetting your partner, you’re doing the wrong kind of work. In a healthy relationship, both people can speak freely. But in a toxic dynamic, you may feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner to dodge emotional outbursts or manipulation.

2. Trying to “Fix” Your Partner

In a healthy relationship, each person is responsible for their own growth. But if you’re working overtime to “fix” or change your partner, something’s off. It’s not your job to be responsible for your partner’s emotional well-being or behavior, and trying to do so can be emotionally draining.

3. Excessive Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is all the behind-the-scenes work of managing emotions, making sure everyone’s happy, and anticipating your partner’s needs. While some of this is normal, it becomes toxic when it’s one-sided. If you’re constantly managing your partner’s moods or reactions and getting nothing in return, it’s time to take a closer look at the balance in your relationship.

4. Fighting for Basic Respect

No one should have to work to earn basic respect. In toxic relationships, one person may continually demand emotional labor, attention, or validation without offering the same in return. This leads to unhealthy dynamics where one partner’s self-worth is undermined and they’re left fighting for respect that should be a given.

Final Thoughts: When Counseling Isn't Enough

Yes, relationships take work—but the kind of work matters. If you’re stuck in a pattern where the effort feels like an endless struggle rather than a path to growth, it might be time to reevaluate the dynamics. Couples counseling can be incredibly helpful for many relationship struggles, but it has its limits.

For couples counseling to truly work, both partners need to be willing to change themselves, not just hope that the other person will do all the work. In toxic relationships where manipulation, disrespect, and emotional labor are entirely one-sided, even the best counseling won’t create lasting change unless both people are genuinely committed to growing and improving.

Healthy relationships are built on the right kind of work—communication, empathy, and shared responsibility—not endless emotional exhaustion. Knowing the difference will help you create a relationship that lifts you up instead of dragging you down.