Marriage is Not for the Faint of Heart — It’s a Spiritual Path

You don’t need to look far to find someone disillusioned with the idea of marriage. For many, the fairy tale wears off quickly and what’s left is a pile of laundry, two very different nervous systems, and an avalanche of unmet needs. But what if, instead of seeing this as failure, we saw it as sacred initiation?

Long-term partnership is not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be transformative.

As a couples therapist — and as someone who has been married for 29 years — I can say with deep humility that this path has shaped me in ways nothing else could. It has stretched me, softened me, and at times broken me open. Staying in it has required a kind of devotion to inner growth I didn’t know I was signing up for when I said “I do.”

Marriage (or any conscious partnership) is one of the most rigorous paths of personal and spiritual growth. Why? Because it will ask everything of you. It will call forward all the parts of yourself you’d rather keep hidden. It will reflect your wounds, your defenses, your childhood strategies for getting love and avoiding shame. And it will hold up a mirror to the places where your love still wants to grow.

If you’re not prepared to learn about yourself and your partner over and over again, you’re going to hit a wall. And that wall isn’t a signal to run — it’s a signal to get curious. To dig deeper. To soften and open.

Here’s what I believe wholehearted partnership asks of us:

1. Learn — about yourself and your partnerReal partnership invites ongoing discovery. We are constantly evolving and so are our partners. Staying curious about what makes your beloved tick — and how you show up under stress or joy — is foundational. This isn’t a one-time conversation. It’s a lifelong practice.

2. Embrace conflict, adversity, and challenge. Conflict isn’t the problem. Avoidance is. What if we saw conflict as an opportunity to grow and strengthen the bond? Repair is a holy practice — it’s where healing happens. And when done with presence and humility, it can actually bring you closer than ever.

3. Share leadership. No one gets a pass on this. True partnership asks both people to show up, to take ownership, to name their needs, and to take responsibility for their impact. It’s not about perfection. It’s about leaning in, over and over again, especially when it’s hard.

If you’re unwilling to share responsibility, share truth, and sit in the fire of mutual growth, it’s probably better to stay single. But if you’re willing — if you’re really willing — to do the soul work that conscious partnership invites, then you’re on a path that can wake you up, ground you deeply, and open your heart in ways you never imagined.

We weren’t meant to do this work alone. And we definitely weren’t meant to know how to do it without guidance. Most of us didn’t learn these skills growing up. But they can be learned. Practiced. Embodied.

So if you’re in it — if you’re tired or confused or even on the edge — take heart. You’re not doing it wrong. You might just be at the beginning of something deeper.

Let’s normalize the hard. Let’s celebrate the brave. Let’s honor the quiet, sacred tenderness that emerges when two people choose to stay curious, to soften, and to show up — not because it’s easy, but because love is worth the work.

If this speaks to you, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Schedule a consultation and take the next step toward deeper connection.